Friends
by Vivat Musa
Summary: 10 friends of Saiki, 10 oneshots. Ch. 3: Teruhashi: Saiki doesn't realize how perfect I am because he's been hearing my uncensored thoughts, but if I censor them...I will be so perfect inside and out even my thoughts will radiate purity! I grin into my hot chocolate. A perfect girl like me should handle this easily. [Eventual romance with Aiura Mikoto, if you squint.]
1. Nendou: Nanny Nendou

Nanny Nendou

Characters: Nendou and Kaidou

Time: After S2;E17—After Kaidou's brother, Toki, is introduced.

"Do you think we should get some ramen after this? Oh, we should've gotten some to-go for our buddy. Do you think he'd like the spicy ramen, or ramen with the pork, or the _ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen_—"

Ten seconds. New record. Next time I'll aim for tuning him out in eight.

Kaidou's sick from school today, so Nendou and I are stuck delivering his homework to him. Actually, now that I think about it, I can't remember Kaidou ever being sick from school. With how his mom prioritized education, he must be on his deathbed.

We arrive at Kaidou's house, and his mother answers only after the first knock.

"Oh, hello, gentleman," she says, smiling.

Nendou snickers. "Heh, who're you calling gentleman, old broad?"

Insert foot into mouth.

To her credit, her eyebrow tics, but she keeps her smile frozen on her face. _Keep control of yourself, these boys are the key to Kaidou's future. _

Geez, have some faith in your son, woman.

"How can I help you boys?"

I hold up Kaidou's homework.

"Oh, I see, how kind of you. Please, come in." She opens the door wider, and we step inside.

"Thanks, little bud's mom." Nendou sniffs. "Something smells good. Whatcha cooking?"

"Oh, just some chicken noodle soup," she said, holding herself up proudly. "Shun baby has had the _worst_ fever, and my homemade soup will do just the—"

But she screeches when Nendou takes the ladle and sips the soup. Don't eat something without permission, you idiot. You'll contaminate it.

"How'd you make this stock? It's pretty bland."

Kaidou's mom flushes. "I-I just got it from the store. Stock takes so long to make, I didn't want to make a whole new batch." Why're you embarrassed? You're homemaking something. That's better than canned soup anyday.

But Nendou looks aghast. "_Whaaaa?_ You don't have any frozen stock? But that's like the cook's rice and fish!"

Not the right saying, but at least you got the culture straight. B-.

Nendou pushes past Kaidou's mom to the fridge. "But look at all the vegetables you have! You don't even have to use scraps like me and my mom! No, listen, you should always have some homemade stock on hand. You can freeze whatever's leftover for later. Now, you should use carrots and celery as your base, and since it's winter, turnips are good, too. Oooh, and lots of garlic and onions! Don't forget the onions!

Quiet, fool! You're telling her how to cook in her own kitchen. You're going to get us kicked out before I can eat—

"Oh, I see." Kaidou's mom had whipped out a notebook from apparently nowhere and is scribbling furiously. Does she seriously think—Oh, right, she still thinks he's a genius.

Nendou continues to ramble off instructions. He's in the kitchen like he's owning it now, rummaging through the cupboards and pulling out knives and a chopping board. "And then you cut chicken spines into two-inch bits, but if you don't have spines, you can use chicken wings instead, since they're cheaper. Oh, and we need lots of dill."

You put dill in chicken soup? Oh, whatever. Nendou's actually a good cook. This should be fine….

Famous last words.

_Where's the coffee jelly?_ I ask.

"Oh, I don't have any, unfortunately," she mutters, barely sparing a glance at me. "Too much sugar isn't good when my baby's not feeling well." Yare Yare. What's the point of being here then?

I sigh, leaving Nendou to play chef while I head to Kaidou's room. Might as well do what I actually came here to do. His room's dark, lit only by a single candle on his nightstand. Toki is seated by his bedside, looking as serious as if this _was _Kaidou's deathbed.

Toki immediately jumps up when he notices me. "Halt, thee! You reek of impurities! Your presence will corrupt my big brother!" Seriously, kid? First off, I showered this morning, and second, he's already corrupted.

"It's fine, Toki," rasped Kaidou in a weak voice. His skin is paler than usual and his face has a sheen of sweat. Wow, he really _is_ sick. "Saiki is my underling, baptised by my own hands in purified water." ...But not sick enough. Still going with that underling thing, huh?

"Oh, okay. I _guess_ you're alright then." Toki steps aside.

I walk over to Kaidou and lay his homework on his nightstand. At least a dozen bottles of medicine are neatly lined up. Are all these from his mom? No wonder he's delusional. I'm surprised he's not puking out his guts right now.

"Thank you, my loyal underling," Kaidou rasps. "Your master is proud you have taken care of him during his time of vulnerability."

_You owe me coffee jelly. _I turn to go.

"Wait!" Toki calls out. "You're Big Brother's underling! You need to stay here!" He rushes between me and the door with a fierce look. Yare Yare. I've seen this kid in action. I could take him easily in a fight but I can't use my powers here. Guess I'm staying…

_Saiki's in my house! _Kaidou mentally squeals. _This is the perfect opportunity! I can show him all the great manga and games I have! He'll think I'm so cool! _"Hey, Saiki," he croaks slyly. "I know you're overjoyed at the chance to view your master's collection. I _suppose_ access to my collection this one time is a suitable reward for your good service…"

_Or you can just give me coffee jelly._

"Toki!"

"Yes?!"

"Show him my…_secret treasure_."

Don't make it sound so gross.

"Yes, Big Brother!" Toki dives into the closet and comes out with a stash of manga.

"These may look like ordinary papers, but they've been blessed with the power of my hand. Accessing their knowledge will bring you great fortunate, fair squire."

Whatever. I skim through his collection, since it's in front of me. A lot from the iseki genre, but there's a few that actually look good. Which is bad because—

_Ooooh, I hope he picks Promised Neverland! He'll be so surprised when Norman sacrificed himself and—"_

Shut up, Kaidou.

S|S|S|S|S

"Of course, I knew that to unveil my great power would shatter the minds of mortal men!" Kaidou rambles on.

Stop digging yourself into lies you can't get out of. I nod silently, tuning him out, while his brother listens enraptured. Apparently Kaido's voice is fine after all. He's been talking nonstop.

"Oooh, is the Shrimp telling more war stories?" comes Nendou's voice, as he enters the room, a frilly pink polka dot apron tied around his waist and his arms balancing several bowls of soup in ways that defy physics. Stop breaking the laws of physics. Only I can do that. "How'd the Big Boss Kaidou manage to get sick anyways? What, taken down by the common flu?" You're not very threatening yourself right now. Is that your apron or Kaidou's mom's?

"Hey, this is no common flu!" Toki yells defensively. "This is the night of a rare blue moon, the only time that Big Brother's power eludes him! We have to protect him until he's recovered!" So what happens if he's sick longer than tonight?

"Oh, it's fine, I doubt they want to stay around looking after me," Kaidou says, looking away from Nendou with a nervous laugh.

Toki looks at him in confusion. "But they're your underlings, right Big Brother? It's their responsibility to look after you."

Nendou claps a hand over Kaidou's head, who's looking more panicked by the second. "Sure we will, kiddo. I even made him some homemade soup!"

He passes out the bowls, one for each of us. I eye the chunks of vegetables suspiciously. Well, it's not coffee jelly, but beggars can't be choo— My eyes widen when I take a sip.

This is...actually not bad.

I'm not the only one who thinks so. Kaidou is gulping down the soup. "This," he says reverently, holding the bowl with hand tremblings from awe...or sickness, "is the nectar of the gods! I can feel my strength returning to me already! Energy is coursing through my body, the miasma of my addled mind is clearing! Cease, listen! I can hear my creator's voice speaking to me!"

Or the fever's…

Toki's eyes brighten. "What does it say, what does it say?!"

Kaidou looks at Nendou, his cheeks flushed with fever. "Nendou," he says, in an overly serious voice, "will you be my husbando?"

Back to bed with you.


	2. Aren: Birds of a Feather

Birds of a Feather

Characters: Aren

Time: After S1

Another new transfer student, huh? This time the boys are drooling and taking bets, while the girls are sharpening their knives. Geez, just how popular is this place?

Mr. Takumi comes in first with a grin even creepier than usual, and the boys lean forward eagerly—then immediately flinch back. I don't blame them: the new student looks nice enough, but you'd probably be skinned alive before you could say that to her. She looked like she came straight out of a yakuza gang, with her uniform already cut up on the first day of school and her chin's jutted out with a stare stony enough she could freeze you on the spot before you could write her up.

"Class, this is our new—"

But Mr. Takumi hadn't finished his sentence when the new student charged to the back of the room and grabbed Aren by the front of his shirt. To have gotten past Aren's defenses was surprising enough, but the shocked expression on Aren's face made amped up her fear-me-o-meter.

"RIKA!"

"Aren Kuboyasu!" she growled. "Where the [REDACTED] have you been?!" Redacting certain phrases for the young viewers in the audience. Dead silence in the room as all heads turn to the back. No one moves. ...Except for one stupid soul. Nendou, unfazed by everyone, claps a hand on Aren's shoulder.

"Hey, who's your new lady friend, Aren? You holding out on me, man—"

"SHUT UP!" Aren and the girl, Rika, yell at once.

Aren's regains his composure and shoves her hands off of him. "What the hell are you doing here, Rika?" Then his eyes catches on the dozens of classmates staring at him, and he grumbles, snatching her hand and striding with her in tow out of the classroom, right in front of the teacher. The entire class gets up and charge forward—including the teacher—but one backwards glance from Rika and they're all petrified to the spot.

Except for me, of course. No one can beat my petrification skills. While my classmates' attention is elsewhere, I teleport. Even without my telepathy, it's not hard to guess where they're heading. Every not-so-secret tryst or underhanded deal happens in the same spot in this school: the bleachers.

Now just to settle into a nice bush...and right on schedule:

Once they reached the stands, Aren drops Rita's hand as if it's poison. "Alright, what's your game?"

"What's _my_ game?" she yells, her hair spiking out like a cat's. "What's _your_ game? Rumor had it that you've turned soft, but I didn't want to believe it. But look at you! You're wearing the uniform and everything." Hey, I like my uniform. "The fiercest person I know, and now you've turned into one of those [REDACTED] rubber necks!"

Her finger stabs into his chest. The vein in his neck pops, but Aren keeps his hands balled at his side, gritting out the words, "Those rubber necks happen to be my friends." Thanks, Aren.

"_Pfft_. They've taken a [REDACTED] knife for you? Or a [REDACTED] gunshot wound? Man, what the [REDACTED] happened to you? You were the king of your school in third grade! By highschool, your mullet touched the floor and you had your own gang!"

We already had his background-drop, we don't need a reminder. _And stop with the __f-__bombs already! It's getting annoying!_

Rita shakes her head, looking disgusted. "You had all these things, and you gave it up! For what? A pretty little [REDACTED] uniform?"

"You sure as hell I did!" Aren yells. "I might've had all that stuff, but it doesn't mean _crap_ to me anymore! That's not who I want to be."

"_Bullshit_." She shoves him in the chest. He clenches his hands, a single vein in his jaw pulsing. "What, that's it? Where's that fierce, dominating face? The one that sends terror through everyone! Show me those pulsing veins!"

Are you...getting off on that?

Aren looms over her, a twisted smile cutting across his face. "Keep messing with me and I'll—" But he takes a breath, his face returning to normal proportions. " I don't want everyone to be afraid of me, or to always have to watch over my shoulder for a knife in the back, or worrying about my friends taking one for me. I've changed, and I like who I am now. I know you're upset, and I'm sorry, but I don't want to be that guy anymore, Rika."

"_Rika_." She scoffs. "You don't get to call me that anymore. Until you're back to your normal self, I'm Koshimizu to you. And trust me, I'll get you back." With that, she turns and stomps away.

Aren sighs. I wait for him to head back inside, but instead: "Saiki."

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT.

I consider staying put, but Aren turns his head in my direction. "I know you're there, so get the hell outta there." Better not push him… I slither out of my hiding spot.

"Did you hear all of that?"

I nod. Kinda hard not to when they were both yelling. He hunches over with a sigh, kicking at a pebble. "Sorry you heard that. I guess I should explain…"

I shake my head. No need.

He smiles. "Thanks, but I want to."

...Of course you do.

"Our parents promised us to each other almost as soon as we were born," he starts. Crap, it's another exposition drop. "We come from the strongest family gangs in our territory. I know it's strange to hear, but we were actually best of friends. Got one helluva tooth collection from all the heads we've knocked together."

Wow, weren't you precocious children.

"I knew she'd be upset once I left the gang, but I thought she might've gotten involved with another leader afterwards. Should've known better. She's always been so stubborn."

That's rough, bro.

He sighs. "And now she's got some tricks up her sleeves."

I clap my hand on his shoulder. Don't worry, Aren. If she stirs up too much trouble, she'll see who the _real_ rubberneck is.

S|S|S|S|S

Nendo's eyes lit up like a little kid's...which was a disturbing picture. "Whoa-oh, this is wicked! It's like there's a graffiti Santa Claus!"

It looks like someone had decorated our school overnight. The walls were covered in spray paint; I may be a psychic with impossible powers, but even I couldn't decipher what all these symbols meant. Some signatures barely resemble letters, and all the bright colors gave me a headache. But there _was_ a picture of an anthropomorphic elephant doing hip-hop moves—I can applaud that artwork.

Kaidou's eyes start to twitch. "My holy eye is tearing through the phantasmagorical barrier of this writing! I see it now! Yes, a premonition Dark Reunion! ACK!"

Kaidou jumps when Aren suddenly looms over us. "This is all _her_ doing."

Apparently Aren had developed psychic powers overnight. He makes a sharp 90-degree turn and zones in on a tree, where I could hear Rika sniggering. Aren charges up to her with all the blaze and fury of Hairo. "THIS TAGGING IS YOURS, ISN'T IT?!"

"Not just mine," she says, flipping back her lock of dyed red hair. "Had to let the gang have their fun, too. Looks pretty good, ain't it? Still missing your signature, though."

"I don't tag anymore!" he shouts. "Now get it the hell outta my school!"

"What do you care?" she snaps back. "It's just a school. We've done worse."

"Because I _attend it_!" he barks. "Clean it up. _Now_."

"I don't think I will."

The veins in Aren's face pops, and he takes a step forward, but Nendou appears behind him. "Where'd you go, buddy?" Then he sees Rika. "Oooh, hi there! You're the new delinquent girl, yeah? I like what you've done with the place."

Rika gives him a befuddled, slightly disgusted look, but flipped her hair nonchalantly. "Whatever, dude."

"Oooh, you're cool one, aren't you?" Nendou leans forward and whispers. "I like that." Aren yanks him back from his shoulder. Good. I would've done it if he hadn't.

"C'mon." Aren says gruffly, tugging Nendou away. "We're leaving."

"Oh, okay. Later, tough girl!"

S|S|S|S|S

The teachers had a fit about the graffiti—not that they could do anything about it. Everyone knew it was Rika—she was practically flaunting it, wearing a gigantic grin as she put her feet on the desk—but they were too afraid to do anything about it. Some teachers, like Mr. Igarashi, might've been able to take her, but inevitably Rika and her gang's bite would be tenfold.

I suppose I could've intervened, but the problem didn't seem big enough to need me, and I wanted to give Aren a chance to handle it first. His face was clenched the entire class period. His classmates might've known that he's a nice guy, but they still kept their distance today. One look at his expression made you rethink your life decisions.

When Mr. Takumi announced the recent vandalism (no duh), Hairo immediately volunteers himself to clean up the school. Rika rolls her eyes, but Aren bolts up from his seat.

"I'll volunteer, too!"

Hairo's face lights up until you can see stars in his eyes. Between him and Nendou's expressions, Hairo takes the excited-child prize—although I wouldn't want to get in front of either of them. "Knew I could count on you, Aren! Great show of community spirit! We'll wash down this entire building and have it sparkling clean by tomorrow! It'll be so sanitary we can eat off the walls, you'll see!" Gravity doesn't work like that, Hairo, not even for you. "Who else wants to volunteer!"

I sink low in my seat.

Kaidou flips back his hair, looking nonchalant as his theme music plays in his head. "If Aren is joining, then of course the Jet-Black Wings must lend him support! With our combined forces, the Dark Reunion's terrible omen will be but mist disappearing at the crack of dawn!"

I sink lower…

...And get yanked up by Nendou. "My buddy and I'll help, too! All the hard work will make tomorrow's ramen taste even better!"

Yare Yare. If Nendou's helping, the job will never get done. His hard work has a direct negative correlation with productivity, and my reputation of an average high school student will be ruined by the school's appearance. Guess I can't duck out now...

...And that's how I end up spending my afternoon telekinetically using rollers to wash the school building.

S|S|S|S|S

The next day as my friends and I walk to school, I'm staying on the look-out. This rival-fixation thing is getting annoying.

With my telepathy, I can hear people coming from far enough away that I can divert my friends and I to a different path so that we never cross them. We might be late for school, but it'll be worth it if I can skip this arc's climax. The first time the motorcycles approach, I turn my friends around at a broken lamp post (I'll fix it later). The second time, we stop for magazines at a dollar store. That, unfortunately, backfired. Nendou spent too much time in the "adult" section, and by the time we're leaving, the motorcycles are catching up with us again.

But how do they know where we are? There's no way they could've seen us.

_Aren_. They must've put a tracker on him. But where? I glance at Aren—sorry; I hope you put on boxers today—and spot it, a small microchip on his sleeve. Pretty smart for the yakuza. But not smart enough. I break it with a thought. There, that should—

Damn, they've found us.

Two motorcycles—the one in the back is painted black with crushed skulls decorating the front, driven by some nameless side character, and the one in the front is painted a flaming hot pink with tongues of fire licking its side, driven by—you guessed it—Rika.

"You and me, Aren!" she barks, as the NPC hops off. "Get your [REDACTED] ass on that seat and let's race!"

Nendo and Kaido are both drooling around the motorcycles, but Rika's eyes are locked onto Aren's. He's putting on a brave face, but I could hear his monologue:

_Is that a Kawasaki Verysys- X?! And that engine, it growls like a tiger! Think of the battles it must've seen! _He was even picturing himself in his old get-up riding the motorcycle...until his imaginary self's mullet got caught in the wheels.

Aren clears his throat. "I told you to leave me alone, Rika."

Rika scowls, but Nendo is the one who steps in front. He cocks his head, cracking his knuckles, and leans in close enough that you could see the stubble on his balls chin. "I like you, tough girl, but my pal asked you to leave him alone. No means no, you know."

Don't, Nendo, that girl will eat you alive. ...On second thought, do.

"Go, get her!" Kaido cheers, but Rika doesn't even break her deadlock with Nendo when she growls, and Kaido is silenced with a whimper. There you go, boy, know your place.

Aren shoves both of them away. "That's enough. Don't make me tell you again, Rika. I'm done."

He turns away, but then the ground shakes with a thundering rumble. A drove...pack? (what's the right word for a bunch of motorcycles?) barrels towards us, blocking us off.

"The Blood Fangs gang!" yells Aren.

Since when did this become a yakuza anime?

"_Shit__! _They're after me!" Rika tries to steer her motorcycle away, but the gang had already cut off her exit. One deliquentent sporting a neon blue mohawk in a zigzag pattern (still not as dumb as Nendo's though) reaches out with a spiked baseball bat and nearly slashes Rika's tires. Rika revs her engine at them, but there's too many.

"I got this!" Aren leaps onto the spare motorcycle. You didn't have to be a diviner to see the bloodthirsty light in his eyes or the pulsing veins all over his face. Aren plants one foot down, revving his engine as the bikers surround them, driving in a shrinking circle. He smiles to himself at their amateurish attempt at intimidation, as well as their rookie shouts and yells.

"Hey, you ready to bust some heads?" he growls, turning to Rika. She nods, flashing him a fierce smile that only intensified his own fiery blood.

"'Bout time you [REDACTED] asked."

Gunning his engine, Aren's motorcycle rears up on one wheel, and he surges forward, catching one of the hooligans off guard. Without time to react, the thug becomes an impromptu ramp, falling over as Aren gains air. Now outside the circle, he brakes hard to one side, tilting dangerously.

But he held on, and begin circling the opposite direction, swinging his baseball bat in a broad arc that throws one thug into another, both their cycles veering off without their riders.

"That's true heroism!" squeals Kaido, his eyes as bright as stars. Then coughs, and scrunches up his face like Aren until his eye starts to tic. Stop, you'll give yourself a seizure.

His concentration breaks into a yelp when a motorcyclist barrels past him, and he ducks against the wall. Nendo, on the other hand, had snapped a stop sign (looks like he's a delinquent after all...also, property damage) and slams one guy flat across his chest, driving him off his motorcycle. To his credit, Kaidou had his fists up, making little punch-y sounds, but still yelped whenever a motorcycle sped past him. Even the motorcycles sense how non-threatening he is, since the most they do is drive gravel onto his outfit.

Oh, well, guess I should pitch in a little, too, or I'll feel as weak as Kaido. In the chaos, I lift one finger, and the engine of one motorcycle stops, throwing the guy into the wall. (Don't worry, this world has faster healing regeneration, he'll be fine).

"These guys are [REDACTED] freaks!" the guy with a long mohawk yelled. "_Retreat! Retreat!"_

That's right, they are freaks—deal with it! Kaido cheers as Aren brakes his motorcycle in front of us. "Yeah, you better run, you little [REDACTED]!" Et tu, Aren?

Nendo sticks his stop sign back at the base (nice try; I glue it in with my powers), and claps Aren's the back. "That was great, man! I knew you drove, but I didn't know you drove! You gotta teach me some moves sometimes!"

"I'd love to learn, too!" squeals Kaidou, then coughs. "I mean," he flicks back his hair, "I suppose I could evaluate my comrade's skills."

Aren grins, giving the engine one more rev to hear it roar. "Thanks, guys. It's been awhile since I did this."

"Knew you still had it in you," Rika says, driving up next to him. "Glad to know you still have my back, Aren."

"Always, Rika," he says, then winks. "I just might not be able to scratch it for ya."

That sounds innocent enough, but the picture in his head makes me want bleach. But Rika chuckles. "Save that wishy-washy stuff for your college applications, man. I'll get out of that pathetic tuft you call your hair now." She flicks a mock salute. "See you around, Kuboyasu."

The unnamed side character nervously raises his hand. "Um, can I have my motorcycle back now?"

[Only the motorcyclists with the worst hairstyles were hurt in the making of this chapter.]


	3. Teruhashi: The Perfect Day

The Perfect Day

Characters: Teruhashi

Time: After the end of S2

I check my reflection one last time—quickly swapping out my pink beret for hair clips (don't want to look like I'm trying to hard)—before heading downstairs where breakfast is waiting. "Good morning, Daddy! Mommy!" I kiss my father's cheek, then my mother's, before sliding into my chair.

"No morning greeting for me?" Makoto cries before I could even turn to him.

"Jealousy isn't becoming of you, Mako," Mom says, buttering her toast.

He gasps. "I am not jealous, Mother, and even if I were, isn't it fair to crave my beloved little sister's attention?"

Stifling a sigh, I grin before wrapping my arms around him. "I saved my biggest hug for you!" Oh, brother, do you need the attention.

With Makoto sated, the morning conversation is almost as light as the breakfast served. Makoto only eats his onsen tamago before getting up, kissing each of us on the cheek before grabbing his jacket. "Sorry I can't entertain you all with my winsome personality for longer, but filming's starting soon. It may run late tonight, so don't wait up!"

"Oh, are you filming today?" I ask, shining my smile on him perfectly innocently. "I thought it was happening tomorrow." Of course I knew it was happening today. I have his entire schedule memorized, and even saved the personal phone numbers of all his executives.

His eyes sparkle. "Did you want to be together today? I'll call my producers right now and have everything cancelled!"

_Gaaah,_ what is with you?! You can't cancel something at the very last minute! I can feel my dimples stiffen as I force a laugh, making my voice sugary sweet. "No, that's fine. Think of your fans, Makoto. You can't disappoint them, and they'd hate even the littlest of delays."

"They don't come close to my darling—"

"How about we spend time tomorrow?" I interrupt, cutting him off before he could go on one of his monologues. Then internally wince. A perfect girl should never interrupt!

Thankfully, his eyes twinkle as he grins. "Excellent! I'll take you wherever you want to go, promise!" He winks at me before throwing his jacket over his shoulder. "Don't do anything fun without me, okay?"

What am I, your personal clown? "Have a nice day!" I wave as he strides out the door. I turn back to my breakfast with a smile. The plan's going off without a hitch. He'll be busy all day, and I'll be back before he can mess anything up.

"What are your plans today, Koko?"

I almost jump at my mother's voice. "Oh, nothing," I laugh as I spoon up some eggs. "Just spending some time with one of my friends."

My mother peers at me from over her glass, a slight smile to her lips. "I see."

I give another little laugh before switching focus to my dad. "What're you working on, Daddy?"

He flaps open his newspaper. "Well, right now the company's thinking about investing in coin. It's the way of the future, you see, and—"

I nod politely as my mind drifts elsewhere. I should be excited. Saiki has the honor of going on a date with my beautiful self! I have _everything_ planned out! My willing followers had kept track of all the cafes he frequented in the last six months and twenty-nine days, and I reserved a table and the highest-quality coffee jelly available at the place he went to the most, nearly every weekend. Thankfully, the place isn't a dive, either—Saiki has better taste than Nendou's, at least!—so anyone who spots us won't be surprised seeing my presence grace the establishment.

This is what I've been waiting ever since my sixteenth birthday! We'll talk, just the two of us, and it'll be perfect! He'll finally recognize my beauty for the gem it is and go "oh, wow!"

THEN WHY DO I FEEL SO NERVOUS?!

This isn't like me. I'm never nervous! I'm the perfect girl who's always poised and always know what to say! But Saiki did say this date (okay, he said meal, not date) was to make up for all the time he spent avoiding—

Wait. _He was avoiding me. _But why, I'm so perfect; what's not to like?

But Saiki admitted that he's a psychic (_Ooooh_, I get the pun now...) and can hear my thoughts—WAIT. EVEN THE NOT-PERFECT ONES?!

OH.

MY.

GOD.

Like that day...was he actually there? So he _was_ trying to avoid _ME!_

But then, after that—everything I thought about him—and he...he…!

AHH, MY BEAUTIFUL IMAGE!

He never once thought I was perfect, did he?! All my perfect practice, my skilled precision, and even now I'm not shedding a tear even though I want to cry an ocean. (Oh my god, I'm sounding like Makoto. Stop it, Teruhashi. Think positive, think—

_That's it! _

Saiki doesn't realize how perfect I am because he's been hearing my uncensored thoughts, but if I censor them...I will be so perfect inside and out even my _thoughts_ will radiate purity!

I grin into my hot chocolate. A perfect girl like me should handle this easily.

S|S|S|S|S

I look down at the ring on Saiki's finger.

"So, you _can't_ hear my thoughts?"

He nods, and I die a little inside. He said he wanted to wear it today out of respect for me...while I had spent the entire car ride listening to speeches by Mother Theresa and Empress Masako to purify my thoughts. Well...I guess not having to censor myself makes this easier in the long-run. So much for all that preparation, though…

"Well...thanks for letting me know." I give a little laugh, trying not to visibly wither on the outside. "Let's go in. A table's waiting for us."

We enter the cafe, and immediately the owner and all the employees greet us, showing us the best seat in the house: a booth in our own quiet little corner. As we slide in, I notice that something isn't right…

Saiki's eyebrows are drawn just a little too far down—they're usually only at mild 14 degree angle normally, and at 21 degrees when he's extra irritated—but this was different. I glance around me. _Ah_.

Of course; the patrons of the diner are staring at us.

I clear my throat delicately, before saying in a slightly raised voice, "My brother told me about this restaurant that serves drinks in lightbulb glasses, but I've been looking _all day,_ and haven't found it. _Sigh_."

"I can find it!" "Yeah, we can look!" "Count on me, pretty lady!" All in a rush, the customers are fighting for the exit.

"Don't forget to pay and tip!" I say cheerfully at them, and in their dazzled rush, the poor lambs pour out what looks like more than 20% tips onto the table. At least the employees will be happy. "Sorry about that," I say, turning back to Saiki. People worshipping me happens so frequently I forget that it can unnerve others who aren't used to being so loved, and Saiki of all people doesn't like attention drawn to himself. He's too much of a recluse like that.

He quirks an eyebrow at me.

What, you are.

Then I blink. Then shriek. "I thought you can't read my mind!"

_I'm not, but I'm so used to your thoughts I just know what you're thinking._

"That's somehow worse!" I whimper, burying my face in my fuzzy pink sweater that didn't feel nearly fuzzy enough to absorb my embarrassment. This is harder than I thought.

I manage a glance up—and catch the smallest smile from Saiki, before his face turned to deadpan again. I blink—it was so fast, I could've thought I missed it. But I hope I didn't.

Well...maybe this wasn't so bad after all.

Now just to find something to talk about… Sports? ...He hates sports. School? He always seems bored by it. ...Cats?

Wait, what does Saiki like again?! Does he actually like talking? I know he likes coffee jelly, sweets, and—and—and he hangs out with all those guys, but what do they actually have in common besides being weird?!

But that must mean there's some funny stories he can tell me, right? ...BUT HE HATES TALKING!

_You don't have to try so hard to find something to say, you know. _

Oh, no, was I staring somewhere for too long? But when I glance up at him, his eyebrow isn't near 20 degrees, but is instead arched up slightly. Curious.

For whatever reason, I feel guarded. "It's impolite to make assumptions about what someone's thinking, you know."

He makes an almost-choking sound.

Is he LAUGHING at me? No one laughs at me like that! But I quickly disguise my anger with a hand to my mouth, covering up a smile. "Oh, did I say something funny?" I say sweetly.

_You always assume what people are thinking about you. ...Although you're usually right._

Well, of course I'm always right. I have a lot of practice. ...Not that I say that. Several other perfect thoughts are prepped on my tongue, and I start to say one of them...but stop. It doesn't feel right.

He quirks an eyebrow. _Something's on your mind. Spit it out. _

Maybe it's his bluntness, or the disrespectful tone of his voice that no _one_ dares use on me, but I spit out, "If you've known everything I've been thinking, then why did you—" I bite my lip. But I've come this far. I quickly glance around to make sure no one's watching, before leaning in, hissing, my cheeks burning, "Why did you never tell anyone? You've known for _years_."

_Why would I? It's not my place to ruin your reputation when you worked so hard for it. You put in so much effort you might as well be the perfect girl._

I lean back, shocked. That isn't an "oh, wow"! but he just...he just it.

I _AM _the perfect girl! That coming from him is even better than making him go "oh, wow!"

I can't help but frown.

"But you still avoided me."

His lips turn down. He has the decency to shift in his seat as if he is nervous, but his gaze is still level on me.

_It's nothing against you, personally. It's just that my life's goal is to remain unseen, and… _

I smile coyly. "I'm always in the spotlight."

He nods.

I can't help but stifle a laugh. _Now_ I understand. "Oh, that must've been terrible for you! No wonder you'd vanish whenever I tried to find you. I'm sorry about that."

_So long as we have an understanding now, we're good. _

I nod, but hold my reply, instead reaching out in front of me to straighten the knife on the table so it's in perfect alignment with the other utensils.

_You're doing it again._

I tilt my head at just the right angle to look abashed, smiling shyly. "I'm sorry. I was just about all of our classmates."

_Uh huh._

I glare at him before I can stop it. To my surprise, his lip tilts up, just for a second, before falling into neutral again. _This'd be a lot easier if you stop censoring yourself._

I start to think it's a good thing he avoided me if he keeps calling me out like this. I resist a sigh, and just say, "I'm curious. You said I'm the perfect girl, but...not for you?" I know when people are in love with me, and...Saiki is not. Even when he couldn't read my mind and we were having an actual conversation with just the two of us, he still isn't falling head over heels for me like anyone else.

"If it's my—" followers "—acquaintances, I can have them give us space, you know. I don't have to be the center of attention all the time."

The corner of his lip quirks up. _You're Teruhashi Kokomi. Everyone and god loves to revolve around you._

There's the slightest teasing to his voice, but there's seriousness in it, too. I lean back. To be honest, while it's a lot of work, I do _like_ who I am. Call me vain, but I like people giving me attention and making my life easier. In exchange, I make their days a little bit brighter by being a role model and perfect friend that anyone could ever ask for.

"You're sweet," I settle on. Then look down, allowing myself a small, private smile. "This must be why you like Aiura. She's so completely and unforgivingly herself."

_I do like Aiura, yes. But I don't see myself being with anyone like the way you're thinking._

"I...don't understand. Why's that?"

He tilts his head, considering. _You sure you want to know? My mind isn't exactly a pretty place._

"Well, now I'm just curious," I say teasingly, leaning forward to rest my chin on my palm.

_You asked for it. To me, you look like a skeleton._

My fork clatters. "WHAT?!"

The employees instantly rush over, but I quickly recover, profusely thanking for their concern while I wave them away. But when I look back at Saiki, I want to run away. I carefully measure my weight everyday to reach the ideal balance of well-nourishment and beauty for the perfect figure! But to him I'm a _skeleton_? I cringe, imagining Chiyo on one of her food binges, and wonder if that's more Saiki's type.

_Not like that. Let me explain before you have a heart-attack. For one, I know you're beautiful because everyone else around you reacts that way, but my x-ray vision means that a second of staring and all I see is your muscular structure. Another second and you're a skeleton." _

"Is my skeleton at least pretty?

_...Seriously?_

"Sorry," I wince. "But you can still hear people's thoughts. Doesn't learning about someone make up for their appearance?" It's the thought that counts, right? And my thoughts may not be perfect, but they _must_ be more perfect than anyone else's!

_Yes. ALL of them._

I cringe harder, thinking back about all the times I must've annoyed him.

"But you have that ring. Can't you just wear that permanently?"

_I have been practicing with it, but I'm not at the stage yet where I'm comfortable wearing it permanently. I'm so used to hearing the cacophony of thoughts around me that the silence is nerve-wracking. ...And my social skills need work. _

I chuckle slightly. "Sounds like you need a Communications 101 class. At least that's something I can help you with."

His lips turn up. _Thanks, Terhuashi. I'd like that._

The server comes by and sets down the glass of coffee jelly for him and cake and tea for me. His eyes glow and his lips curl up into an actual _smile_ when he takes that first spoonful, and I giggle. _Well, at least he looks lovingly at _something_,_ I think, biting into a forkful of my tiramisu.

We enjoy the rest of our sweets. By the time we finish, I had stopped filtering what I said. Saiki raised an eyebrow once or twice, but didn't look surprised. And it was...nice. To actually _talk_ to him rather than see everything secondhand, like I was a side character and not part of the main cast. When the server comes by with the check, he reaches out to grab it, but I snipe it first. "Nuh-uh," I wink. "This is on me. Consider it my way of apology for all the times I must've bothered you."

He smiles. _Not going to argue with the goddess herself._

S|S|S|S|S

I'm feeling light and peppy when I leave the cafe, but during the ride home, I fall quiet. I say my pleasantries to the chauffeur, but I can feel the quiet resting deep inside my chest, too, and it feels too fragile and meaningful to be broken by words. The chauffeur pulls into our driveway. He gets out first, going around to my door.

I take his hand and thank him. "Is Makoto home yet?"

"No, Miss Teruhashi. The filming's been extended. He won't ring for me until late tonight." Good. I don't have the energy for his dramatics right now.

"Thank you, Mr. Yun." I give him a generous tip. When I open the front door, the aroma of dinner immediately greets me. Chef Yamamoto must've been ambitious tonight.

I greet Mom and Daddy as I take my seat. Without Makoto around, I can recount my day without any interruptions. Daddy hums as I talk about the diner and Saiki's friends. My parents smile and listen until I run out of things to say, and then I cheerfully ask about their days. The whole time I can't help but discreetly keep track of the ticking clock hands.

Finally, I'm back in my room, with the only thoughts I have to worry about being mine.

S|S|S|S|S

The days at school pass by like usual. My followers fawn over me, and Saiki and his group of friends' peculiar knack for shenanigans continues. I do see Saiki more often now that he's not actively avoiding me, but we still don't talk to each other much in public. I know he wants his privacy, and I like my social standing around school.

But we're both creative people with superior intellects. To evade the public's eye, I visit his house on the weekends (where I'm always reminded how normal Saiki's parents are compared to him), and give him a few tips on social cues, like reading people's expressions and body posture. Being the perfect teacher I am, I break it down for him, and being the smart student he is, he eventually gets it...with some caveats. (He can only read people's expressions from their muscular structure, not their actual faces…). Every so often we go to the cafe and chat there.

I make sure no one's around us when we're out (I've compiled exactly twenty-eight perfectly polite excuses to ward off my followers), and we talk...normally. The first few times I tried to censor my not-very-but-nearly-always perfect thoughts...but he wasn't afraid to call me out on it. After awhile, I didn't bother. He'd just guess what I'm thinking anyways, with or without his ring.

After a day at the mall, where he even picked me out an outfit (after quite a lot of encouragement; apparently he'd kept his fashion tastes hidden, too), I come back to my place. I say hi to my mom as I head to my room. I'm in the middle of sketching Chichibu, who's stretched out on her kitty-tower, when there's a knock on my door.

"Yes?"

The door opens to reveal Mom in her nightgown, a glass of red wine posed delicately between her fingers. "May I come in?"

"Of course," I say, sitting up as Mom comes to perch on the side of my bed beside me. Instantly, Chichibu leaps down and trots over to her, jumping up to curl on her lap. The only person my cat likes more than me is my mother.

"So, how was your friend?" she asks, and I could swear she put extra emphasis on the last word. "You've been spending a lot of time with that boy."

But I only grin as she strokes the traitor cat. "Oh, Saiki's doing great. He's the perfect gentleman and he always tells me these hilarious stories about his friends. One time, they—"

"Kokomi."

My mother gives me a look over the rim of her glass. My expression falls.

"Do you still love him?"

"A little," I admit, smiling softly. "But I think that will fade, too."

"Are you okay with that?"

"I think so. It hurts a little, but I think we understand each other for the first time now."

Mom swishes her wine, digesting my words. Then she smiles at me, and I can tell it's the one with no hidden intention or secret thoughts behind it. "It's nice to see you growing up, Koko."

"Thanks, Mom."

I lie down with my head on her lap, sighing as she strokes my hair. A perfect girl would've handled this situation better, I know, but sometimes...it's nice to not be so perfect.

S|S|S|S|S


	4. Kaidou: A DisaPsitrous Adventure

**Author's note: This AMAZING work was written by my friend, Ashardalon125, as a gift to me. They let me post it to this series, and I am SO HAPPY with it! :D I did a few tweaks, but otherwise, this is all their genius! Hope you all love it as much as I do!**

**A DisaPsitrous Adventure**

"_Saiki_! As my protege, I challenge you to a game of wits! Over the course of a night, you will endure many arduous trials, expertly concocted by my hand! Only by-"

_No, thanks_, I said, turning away from Kaidou. Judging by the runaway freight train that was Kaidou's monologue, he'd have been there for somewhere around two minutes, depending on how long his confidence held up. But he'd already read Kaidou's mind and gotten to the point.

Kaidou wanted to invite him to a tabletop gaming session.

It would be inaccurate to say that I disliked tabletop games. Rather, I had no strong feelings towards them. I didn't dislike RPG games, but he'd also seen from my father how some people acted in them. I cringed…

Besides, playing tabletop games was a great way to grab attention. People either wanted to ask you all about it, or wanted to humiliate you for it. Both things I don't need in my life.

"B-But you didn't finish listening…" Kaidou protested weakly, before he rallied a surge of confidence, stepping into my path once more like some sort of pushy solicitor. No, cross that: he _was_ a pushy solicitor. "If you possess even an ounce of adventuring spirit, you will surely accept!"

_Nope_, I said once more, side stepping around him. _I don't even have a millimeter, so I'll pass._

"But _Saiiiiiki_! I need more players! Right now, it's just Aren!"

_Try asking someone else with more 'adventuring spirit'_. I continued to stare straight ahead as I walked. If I could just get outside of the school before Kaidou said something truly incriminating, I'd be home free. The doors were _almost_ in sight.

And then they weren't. Instead, they were blocked by an all-too-familiar, all-too-annoying wall of green.

"'Sup buddie?! Little buddie!" The wall, otherwise known as Nendo, greeted boisterously, raising a hand accompanied by a broad smile. "Thought I'd join up for some ramen!"

"There's no time for ramen, you plebeian!" Kaidou shouted angrily, clenching his fists in determination. Plebeian? What literature have you been reading? "Now is the time for _action_! Your wits are being challenged!"

"My fists are being challenged?" Nendo startled, looking around for the offender. "I'll show the idiot who dares challenge me!"

"_You're_ the idiot! I said _wits_ not _fists_! I'm trying to convince Saiki to join my game tomorrow night!"

Quick, they're distracted!

I tried to slip past Nendo, but that meathead took that moment to lurch forward, nearly tackling me when he leaned towards Kaidou, his grin broadening. "_Oh?_ Who'd want to join a pipsqueak's game?"

"Y-You're just jealous because you'd lose!" Kaidou retorted, sounding more like a six-year old than a highschooler. Then again, sometimes the only true difference between those two age groups were the levels of hormones.

Maybe if I try now… I took cautious steps away as the two were at each other's throats. If I was lucky, I'd be out the doors by the time they figured it out.

"Oh yeah?! Well, my buddy and I will smash your game!" Nendo proclaimed, and reached out to scoop I to his side.

I sighed. Good grief. Luck's never on my side.

"Ah ha! I knew your undeniable lust for adventure beats in your hearts! Tomorrow, your mettle and minds will be tested in my most dire of scenarios, pushed to the brink of your abilities!" Kaidou proclaimed, jutting his finger into the air, before calming down and looking sheepish again. "And uh...food and drinks too."

Nendo's grin snuck up again. "And _raaaaamen_?"

Kaidou sighed. "Yes, and ramen."

_Stop thinking with your stomach, you— _I paused as Kaidou's meal plans flashed through his head. Aside from his mom's recently improved chicken noodle soup, I caught something that stopped me dead in his tracks. It seemed Kaidou had thought up a trump card.

He was planning to get some coffee jelly for a post-game snack.

I was suddenly in Kaidou's face. _When does the game commence?_

"A-A-At my place, tomorrow after school," Kaidou answered, suddenly pale. And just as quickly, I was walking away. Just as I was getting through the doors, Kaidou shouted after me. "Don't worry! We'll be making characters at my place together!"

Sometimes, Kaidou didn't know when to be quiet. Fortunately the bell marking the end of the school day just _happened_ to ring a minute early, covering Kaido's voice.

Now, I just needed to figure out an excuse to get out of any future game sessions. I might've agreed to this one because of the coffee jelly, but I wasn't going to stick around for the rest of Kaidou's overcomplicated plots. Already, the ideas rattling in Kaidou's head were rivalling the speed of Akechi's thoughts, but were a lot more predictable.

If nothing else, it was a little bit of a challenge, but nothing worse than what I've faced before.

* * *

It seems God himself has chosen to punish my hubris.

As soon as I got within range of Kaidou's house, I picked up a familiar mind I wasn't expecting, and very strongly contemplated turning around. I could practically hear the angelic choir already, and that was without the omnipresent glow. Of course _she'd_ find her way here.

But I'd already come this far, and I'd only have to endure a single session. It would just make that time much more annoying to deal with.

_I hope Saiki is impressed by my character. I spent all night looking up how to make the best character I could!_

I snorted. Not that I knew anything about making characters.

Teruhashi was nothing if not predictable. Still, I had to admit I was surprised she'd put so much effort into this. Of course, Teruhashi always dialed everything she did up to 11, so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised.

Knocking on the door, I could hear the collective mental gasps of the residents, from Kaidou's high pitched squeal, to Aren's brief surge of alarm, to Teruhashi's perfectly composed surprise. And of course, the eternal silence of Nendo's mind. Some things never changed.

"Ah, glad you see you made it!" Kaidou's mother greeted him brightly. "My Shun-baby's been so excited about having friends over!"

_And maybe these games can help him perform as well as these other kids_, she added mentally. _I'm not sure about that one boy, though… He seems a little...simple._

Hey, Aren's not that dumb. Just a bit rough. But I kept that thought to myself while I was led into the dining room, where Kaidou had laid out his domain. The main bulk of the table was occupied with a large mat marked off with squares, and Kaidou himself sat at the head of the table behind a screen with dark and ominous designs. The whole image was topped by the fact that he had scrounged a black hood from somewhere and had wrapped his scarf across the bottom of his face like a bandana, doing his best at looking ominous behind his screen of folders. And failing, of course.

Any dramatic effect was ruined by the fact that he was still wearing a casual shirt beneath it, and the completely relaxed look of the other players, who seemed unaware of the absurdity of it all.

"Saiki! I see you have come to answer the call with adventurers whose hearts beat in time with yours! Now it is time-!"

"Hey, buddy, glad to see you here! Things were starting to get boring!"

"Saiki, what a surprise to see you!" Teruhashi said, smiling broadly before gesturing to the closest available seat. Which happened to be the one right next to her. Yes, what a surprise, indeed. "You can sit here if you'd like."

Glancing around the table, it seemed I didn't have many options. Aren was sitting to Kaidou's left, with Nendo next to him, leaving Teruhashi all alone on the other side. What'd she do to keep the others from snatching it up?

While there was a spot at the end of the table opposite Kaidou, sitting there would clearly look like I was ignoring Teruhashi, especially since she'd already called me out. I knew that wouldn't end well for me. Even my future sight couldn't defeat her karma. So I resolved himself to sit down beside her. Just another thing to endure for coffee jelly.

"Okay, so to start, we have to make characters!" Kaidou said, getting everyone's attention. "And to do that, we roll dice!"

With a thunderous clatter, Kaidou let dozens of dice roll across the table, catching everyone but I by surprise. For a moment, silence reigned over the table as Kaidou looked at them expectantly. "Well, don't just sit there. Pick four dice, and let's get started!"

I simply grabbed four, not particularly caring what I got, as did Nendo. Aren took a moment and picked out four purple ones, while Teruhashi chose an equal pair of green and pink ones. Subtle thou art not.

"So now you roll them, and put the lowest aside. Then you total the three remaining, and that's the first score you get."

In my head, I debated what he wanted to do. On the one hand, getting any set of numbers I _wanted_ was easy, but it was a question of what I _needed_. If I rolled too high, my character would be overpowered, and dying would be hard to do without being obvious about it. But if I rolled too low, Kaidou would likely take it easy on me, and then it'd also be hard to die.

I'd already decided on some aspects of my character after reading Kaidou's mind. Playing a psychic would make my life simple, since my in-character abilities would explain any information I gleaned from Kaidou's mind. Aside from that, there was little else that mattered.

In the end, I decided a few high stats and some mostly low ones would work in my favour. I decided to start low, since a high stat at the end would likely work in his favour.

_6_.

Looking around the table, I wasn't overly surprised by what he saw. Nendo had rolled a pretty average number, even as Aren was helping him tally it up, while Teruhashi had rolled flawless 6's across the board. And Aren had gotten a decent first roll.

They continued to roll until they had gotten their full score arrangement. In the end, I was satisfied with his selection: 16, 14, 10, 8, 8, 6. Just high enough to do what he wanted, but low enough to still be quite squishy.

Teruhashi obviously had absolutely perfect stats across the board, Aren had gotten a decent mix, and Nendo was...erratic. A pair of 18's, a 3, a 6, and a pair of 10's.

If Kaidou's mind was anything to go by, this was not what I expected. _Oh god, what do I do about those two?_

I was just relieved that my character wasn't one of the two he was concerned about, and quietly began filling out my character sheet. It didn't take long, especially since Teruhashi was doing her own, while Kaidou helped Aren and Nendo with theirs.

At the end of it all, Kaidou sat back down with a deep sigh. "Alright, seems like everyone has their stats. So, why don't we go around the table and introduce our characters?"

Kaidou gestured to Aren, who straightened up like he'd been called on by the teacher. "Uh...my character is Raikou. He's a human magus."

Instantly, I could feel the disappointment in Kaidou's mind as Aren started to turn to Nendo, obviously expecting him to go next. Judging by everyone else's thoughts, no one has thought through a real backstory. Dozens of cliche and horrible backstories hurriedly raced through Kaidou's mind to compensate, and I held back a sigh. I was tempted to let it slide, since entertaining Kaidou's unique brand of chuunibyou would only result in more sessions. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy.

_You owe me_, I thought to himself as I put a small idea in Aren's mind, and the delinquent stopped, his eyes widening as he "realized" something he "forgot."

"Oh, and uh...right backstory," Aren said aloud, causing Kaidou to immediately perk up. "Raikou was...raised by a tribe who worshipped storms and stuff. They had a rite of age where you fight a storm. And uh...he passed it and got his magic that way."

"Wow!" Kaidou enthused, eyes practically gleaming. "That's a great backstory, Aren!"

"Thanks," Aren said nervously, rubbing his neck. "Honestly, it just kinda hit me. In any case, your turn, Nendo."

"My turn for what?" Nendo asked, staring blankly at Aren.

"Talking about the backstory of our characters."

"We're supposed to do what now?"

And there goes all my effort. I sighed inwardly. But at least this was in-character for Nendo. Heavens forbid we have an out-of-character plotline.

"Come up with a story, you idiot," Aren hissed at him.

"Oh, sure. I can come up with a story." Nendo grinned, leaning over the table. "My dude is the biggest, baddest guy you've ever seen! He can out-eat anyone, and is the best brawler!"

"I...guess that's a backstory," Kaidou conceded, privately thankful that Nendo had _something_ at least. "What's his name?"

"Riki Sr."

Kaidou gaped at him. "Did you just name him after _yourself_?" Apparently that was a faux pas as bad as a self-insert character.

"Me? Nah. Named it after my dad," Nendo explained. It would have been touching if he hadn't also been picking his ear as he said it. Still, it wasn't a reason anyone could argue with, and thankfully attention moved on to Teruhashi.

"I'm playing Harmonia Evergrace, a devout worshipper of the goddess of beauty and purity. She is but a humble servant of the people," Teruhashi explained with a serene smile. Perfect, as always. However…

_Of course, being such a perfect servant of such a perfect god also means the love and adoration of all the followers. Even in fictional worlds, I'm a perfect pretty girl_.

Good grief. But more importantly, Teruhashi was playing the largest challenge to my long term survival. As a cleric, she could buff my character and heal my wounds, making it harder for me to die. Not to mention potentially request divine intervention on my behalf. Like what seemed to happen in real life.

Fortunately, I'd thought of that.

_I'm Psy, a psychic skeleton_, I explained, then turned to Kaidou expectantly. Inwardly, I was quite satisfied. Teruhashi wasn't the only one who did their research. My character was formulated to perfectly capture everything I needed. Skeletons couldn't be healed by Teruhashi's cleric, had less hit points than most living characters, and were fragile in general. And no good deity in game would betray their alignment to revive a skeleton. In other words, it was perfect for getting killed when I wanted to leave. Any normal DM would ban it...but this was Kaidou.

"Uh...okaaaaay," Kaidou said slowly. Inside, I could hear him debating it. The balance issues flew through his head, but as he glanced over my stats, he didn't see any extreme numbers. If anything, I had built Psy a little weak. Not enough to catch attention, but enough to be useful. "I guess that works? Then in that case…"

Kaidou stood up, drawing on the map with a dry erase marker as he spoke. "You all have come to the town of Ravensmoor to deal with a lackey of the dreaded Dark Lord Razathul! You start in a tavern-"

"Wait, why am I in a tavern?" Teruhashi asked politely, and Kaidou froze, realizing what she was implying. The dungeon master's mouth hung open, and I waited to hear something come out, but realized that he'd been stopped at the first hurdle.

Good grief, am I going to have to run this thing myself? With an off-handed thought, I put the answer in Kaidou's head.

"R-right! _Normally_ a cleric of purity wouldn't enter such a den of iniquity and vice, but unlike your fellow clerics, Harmonia makes it her mission to go into the darkest places and convert everyone to the path of righteousness by example," Kaidou explained with a nervous smile. "In fact, r-r-right now she's expositing the virtues of her faith to a group of attentive bar members. Y-yeah, let's go with that!"

"Oh, that makes sense," Teruhashi agreed chipperly. _He hasn't even thought this through, has he? Oh, well, he's fortunate I'm so agreeable._

Ouch. That's a little harsh, don't you think, Teruhashi?

"Well, Riki's going to get some drinks," Nendo announced, completely ruining the mood. Then he clapped his arm around Aren's shoulders. "How 'bout you?"

"Yeah. sure. Raikou's getting drinks too," Aren agreed. "Do they serve Mr. Fingers?"

Kaidou and Teruhashi stared at Aren with open confusion and concern. After a second, Aren seemed to realize his mistake. "Eh, I meant do they have-"

"I'll have what he's having!" Nendo announced, before adding. "What's in it?"

Aren at least had the good grace to look a little embarrassed as he explained. "It's uh...Iwai blended whiskey, rooibos tea, Campari, and Aperol."

What Aren didn't explain was that it was a drink common amongst the Yakuza. Or that his parents were connoisseurs of various mixed drinks, and that Aren himself knew many, many combinations, even if he didn't drink himself.

"I don't know if they have those in medieval taverns," Kaidou mumbled, flipping through some pages behind the screen.

"Then we'll both have ales!" Nendou said, unperturbed.

"Sure, what he said," Aren agreed, and Kaidou let out a sigh of relief.

"So, you two are sharing drinks at the bar, and Harmonia is making converts of some of the others. What are you doing, _Psy_?" Kaiou asked with a knowing wink.

_I'm reading people's minds for intel_, I said simply.

"Oh...that makes sense. Uh...let me just...roll…" Kaidou mumbled, and the sound of clattering dice filled the room. I resisted the urge to facepalm as Kaidou realized he had a chance to exposit backstory.

"Well, everyone in town knows of the evil General Sogrades and his machinations. They say he's levelled entire cities, and commands an army of darkness so large that it can cover an entire country!"

_Aren't we first level characters?_ I asked.

"W-Well, yeah, but this is lore."

"So wait, is this the guy we're supposed to be fighting?" Aren asked, already looking a little fired up. Down, boy.

"N-Not yet. He's more like a...looming threat," Kaidou explained before realizing he'd said too much.

"So, who are we fighting?" Teruhashi asked. The whole situation was rapidly spiraling out of control, and I sighed as he pushed another suggestion into Kaidou's head. This was going to be a _loooong_ game.

"W-Well, funny you should ask, because a man belonging to the guard rushes through the doors, covered in blood and shouts 'They're coming!' before dropping dead! Everyone roll for initiative!"

Everyone jerked upright at the sudden shift, but were dragged in, nervously picking through their dice. "Damn it, which one do you roll?" Aren asked, frowning at the scattered pile.

"The twenty sided," Kaidou explained, pointing to the dice in question.

"12!" Nendou announced, and I glanced over to see he had indeed rolled a 12. On a twelve sided dice. Before Kaidou could see it, I quickly swapped it with the d20, though he kept the same number.

"Make sure to add your initiative modifier. It's the number there in the upper middle," Kaidou reminded him.

"Oh uh...13 then."

"8," Aren added dejectedly.

"22." Teruhashi at least looked apologetic.

_10_, I finished.

Kaidou quickly scribbled down the numbers on a piece of paper, and did some quick mental checks before looking back up at them. "Alright. The door kicks open again this time, and suddenly a troupe of skeletons surge in! Harmonia is up first!"

"Skeletons!?" Teruhashi said, her shock plainly written on her face. However, she quickly caught herself, reigning in her reaction and covering it with a light cough. "I mean...this is what the priests are for, aren't they? I'll move as close as I can, and use one of my channel energies."

I smiled to myself as I began the second part of my plan: absolutely destroying any sense of balance in the game. It was rather simple. At key moments, I would use my telekinesis to alter dice rolls to achieve what I wanted. A victory here, a loss there. It would be a simple matter of making the game play out in such a way that they made it to the end, while making sure no one but me went out. And that started with maxing "Harmonia's" dice roll.

Kaidou stared in patent disbelief at the dice roll, glancing down at his stat blocks before rallying himself. "Harmonia gives off a burst of holy energy that instantly evaporates most of the skeletons. Next is the remaining skeletons. Let's see...Nendo, what's your character's AC?"

"Why're you talking about air conditioning?"

"No, your armour class!" Kaidou said, facepalming. Fortunately, Aren was more than kind enough to point out the number in question and Kaidou sighed as he rolled more dice. "Alright, you take one hit for four points of damage."

"Ha! That's nothing!" Nendo proclaimed, proudly holding up his character sheet and pointing to the rather respectable 12 hit points he had remaining. "Bring it on, chumps!"

"Speaking of, it's your turn."

"Cool! I'm going to chop the hell out of 'em with my axe!" Nendo shouted, throwing the dice at the table.

_They're dice, not darts_, I lamented, quickly using my telekinesis to make sure the dice didn't go flying off into the distance.

"Alright, that kills one of the skeletons," Kaidou confirmed. "Go ahead and cleave."

"Leave?"

"_Cleave_," Kaidou enunciated. "It means to roll another attack on a nearby skeleton."

"Oh, cool. ...How's that?"

"And that's another one down," Kaidou announced, glancing down at his notes. _How are they killing so many? They were supposed to end up on the edge of death so the Great Knight Larsis could rescue them!_

When Kaidou wasn't looking, I shot him a frown.

Let me guess, that's your self-insert character. What a faux pas.

* * *

A couple of hours later, and I could say my plan had not succeeded as well as I'd intended. Congratulations, Kaido, you've one-upped the psychic.

"The Great Knight Larsis" showed up anyway, and took note of their "heroic deed." Then promptly recruited them to join him on a quest to defeat the Monster of the Week.

Skewing the game balance hadn't helped either. At first, Kaido had been panicking, trying to figure out what to do with his encounters. But I had to give him credit: he adapted quickly. Soon, he was just straight up ignoring the monsters' listed stats, and just using what worked. Which only made the other players at the table more determined to beat the enemy when they got near misses or clutch crits...and harder for me to turn the tables in my favor.

And now, somehow, they were fighting a dragon the Dark Lord had set on them.

"KNEEL BEFORE ME MORTALS, AND I MAY CONSIDER SPARING YOUR MISERABLE SPECKS OF EXISTENCE!" Kaido roared, looming imperiously over the table.

"LIKE HELL WE ARE! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, YOU OVERGROWN LIZARD!" Nendo yelled.

_Yelling doesn't increase your power level. Keep it down._

"PREPARE TO FACE THE STORM!" Aren shouted.

_No matter how many times you say it, it won't catch on_.

"By all that is good and holy, we will BRING YOU TO HELL!" Teruhashi proclaimed. You, too, Teruhashi? I could practically hear the angels singing.

Kaidou's sister suddenly barged into the room. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" _Slam!_

Everyone but me winced as the door smacked shut. _Told you so._

The party looked apologetic for a second, before turning to me expectantly.

I sighed. _Let's...get this over with_.

"_YEAH!"_ Nendo roared—before Aren smacked him.

"I'm going to hit him with my lightning blade!" Aren said, rolling his attack. "Nice, crit!"

"Your blade strikes into a weak portion of the dragon's scales, bathing you in a spray of blood," Kaido said dramatically, mimicking the spray with his hands.

"I'm going to grapple it!" Nendo shouted, swiping up his dice, only to pause at the blank looks he got. "What? Did I say something weird?"

"You want to…"

"...grapple…"

"...a dragon?"

Nendo blinked. "Yeah, what about it? I can, can't I?"

"I mean...I guess you can _try_," Kaido admitted, then paled as he saw Nendo's roll. "_How did you-! _Ack, I mean—" Kaido cleared his throat; holding the scarf to his mouth, he said in a low, deep voice, "Riki Jr. leaps forward and is now holding onto the dragon's neck, wrestling it to the ground with his bulging muscles!"

"Hell yeah! That's what I'm talking about!" Cackling, Nendo pulled up his sleeves to show off his biceps.

Aren smacked him. "Stop stripping, you weirdo!"

Unfazed, Nendo turned towards Teruhashi. "Okay 'Harmonia', I got him right here! Blast him!"

"Sure thing! I'm going to cast _Holy Javelin_. Repent for your sins!" Teruhashi proclaimed, smiling slightly too broadly as she rolled.

_I thought you were a cleric, not an executioner_, I commented before consulting my spell list.

_I'll use Lightning Bolt_, I said simply. Kaido tallied up the damage, then thought for a moment.

"Alright, now the dragon. It's going to attempt to break out of Riki's grasp...and it fails. Riki is still holding on. But it's going to swipe its tail at Raikou!" Kaido said dramatically, rolling his dice. "Raikou takes 20 points of damage from getting hit with its massive tail."

"Ah, crap," Aren muttered, erasing the health points on his character sheet. "I'm seriously hurting from that…"

"Don't worry, I can use my heal on you," Teruhashi offered.

"But that's your last one!"

"It's fine. Psy hasn't taken damage, and Riki has more health than you."

"In any case, it's Raikou's turn," Kaido reminded them.

"Ah, right. Well, I need to be close to Harmonia to get healed, but I don't want to lose out on damage. I'll hit it and then retreat," Aren thought aloud, then rolled his dice. "Damn, missed my parting shot. Still, I'm in range to get healed now."

"Don't worry guys, I got him!" Nendo bellowed. "I'm going to start punching him! Ooooh, and I can rage, too!"

"I'll use my last channel on Raikou. You should be topped up now," Teruhashi said with a smile.

_I'll cast Strength on Riki Jr_.

"Thanks, buddy!, Now this dragon has no chance to escape!" Nendo smiled, reaching across the table to pat my shoulder. But Kaido's smile said otherwise.

"You puny mortals think you have stopped me, but I am a dragon! You cannot shackle me!" Kaido roared imperiously. "The dragon unfurls its wings and takes off into the air, with Riki still holding on to its neck."

Everyone else at the table gasped in disbelief and shock, but I just smiled to myself. This was exactly what I'd been waiting for. In only a few moments, I could perform my finishing move.

"We need to take it down before it gets too high!" Aren insisted.

"But what if we hit Riki?" Teruhashi worried.

"Don't worry about me. Kill the dragon!" Nendo ordered, slamming his hand on the table. By this point, I worried that he was going to break it again.

"If you say so, man…" Aren relented, looking through his spells. "I don't have much long range...I have a _Fireball…_"

"Do it," Nendo said seriously.

"I'm going to cast _Fireball _at it," Aren said with a decisive nod. "32 damage."

"The dragon and Riki both take full," Kaido noted. "Okay, Harmonia?"

Teruhashi bit her lip as she thought. "How injured is the dragon?"

"One more solid hit will take it down."

Taking a deep breath, Teruhashi steeled herself. "Evil must be vanquished! I cast _Holy Smite_!"

"And with that, the dragon dies. But as a result, it begins to fall, taking Riki down with it."

"I'm sorry, Nendo," Teruhashi apologized.

"Nah, it's okay-" Nendo began, but I interrupted.

_I cast Shared Pain_.

"You cast-wait, are you sure? Riki is really high up," Kaido pointed out. Aren and Teruhashi glanced between them, their eyes widening in realization.

"Wait, but that will kill Psy!" Aren protested.

_Probably. But Riki will live_, I returned, then looked back at Kaido. _I cast Shared Pain_.

"Alright…" Kaido relented, reluctantly rolling the dice.

_Time to cheat one last time_, I thought, making sure the roll would kill him, but not Nendo.

"Riki hits the ground, alive, but barely hanging on. Psy, meanwhile, instantly absorbs the bulk of the fall, and...dies...with a shuddering cracking of bones."

I smiled, leaning back. _Well, it seems Psy has met his end. That was almost fun-_

"Wait! I have an idea!" Teruhashi interrupted_. _Oh, no… "Can Riki cut into the dragon's body?"

Nendo's grin broadened. "You bet I can! I'll cut that bastard into parts!"

I sit up in my chair. _Wait, what are you-?_

"Shh, Saiki. We'll take care of this," Teruhasi beamed. "Let's get its heart."

_No, really, I don't need— _

But Kaido's eyes shone as he began to narrate. "Riki cuts into the dragon and rips out its still warm heart."

I felt a sense of impending dread as I realized what was happening. _You guys don't need to-_

"I'll start praying to my god for help. Aren, can your character offer the heart?" Teruhashi demanded, her expression far too serious.

"Sure can! He's got enough knowledge to pull off an offering ritual. Raikou begins drawing the marks he needs with the dragon blood still covering him from earlier."

Kaido was grinning from ear to ear. My frown deepened. "Harmonia begins her earnest prayer to save their daring comrade, who sacrificed his life for his friends, while Raikou chants every spell and incantation he learned from his tribe. The dark skies part, and a beam of light comes down on Psy's shattered body."

_Seriously, you guys can stop-_

"Shut up, man," Nendo interrupted, and I startled. He was grinning at me, and the others were also smiling in my direction. "You're our friend. No one gets left behind, right?"

"Right!" Aren and Teruhashi cheered at the same time.

I looked between them, bewildered, while Kaido dabbed at his nose with his scarf. "You guys… you're the best party _ever_." Clearing his throat, he continued in a theatrical voice, "A heavenly trumpeting announces the descent of an angel. 'We have heard your cries and bestow upon you this blessing: Your faithful comrade shall be restored even better than before!' With a wave of its hand, Psy's body rises, and is consumed by light. When it clears, he stands restored, not only whole, but improved, with glowing skin and a heavenly aura," Kaido said, crescendoing before turning to me. "Psy the skeleton is no more! Psy the angel-touched begins!"

I found myself absolutely speechless as Kaido collapsed back in his chair, and the rest of the party broke into celebration.

"I can't believe we did it!" Teruhashi cheered.

"You can say that again!" crowed Aren.  
"I knew my buddy wouldn't give up on me," Nendo asserted with a smile.

"You guys did good!" Kaido agreed. "With that, you've stopped the Dark Lord's plan, and kept the peace. When you return home, glory and gold will be yours. But for now, that's the end of the adventure."

Well. I leaned back in my seat. I suppose that wasn't...the worst way to end a game. So long as there wasn't another—

"We'll have to do this again sometime," Aren laughed. "That was a blast!"

"I think I'd enjoy that," Teruhashi agreed.

_Wait, hold on. I'm not sure if-_

"Oh, and I almost forgot!" Kaido interrupted, jumping out from his seat and racing into the next room. "

A moment later, Kaido returned with a platter covered in various snacks and sweets. "My mom was nice enough to get us some stuff to celebrate. I wanted to save them for when you guys beat the big baddy. Help yourselves!"

Kaido laid the platter on the table, smiling broadly before grabbing a small cup of coffee jelly and handing it to I. "Here. I know you like them."

_...I guess I could be convinced to play again_, I relented, hiding a small smile before taking a bite. In the end, I supposed victory did taste sweet.


End file.
